Fears

It's easy to tell how it all happened. And rather easy to explain my observations, and the "practical" aspect of living with V. But it's much harder to say what's going on in my head.

Most women with vestibulodynia end up going to a psychologist. Because V can mess up your life. And because it can break your marriage/relationship.
That's scary.
And I am scared.

I said it already, I'm very bad with pain. I'm afraid of what this pain's gonna do to me. For now, I seem to have gotten used to it, it's bearable. But what if it gets worse? I'm all for staying optimistic, but still.
I have seen already how pain can do to me. It makes me kranky, I lose my self-confidence, feel less of a woman... and in the end, I often take it all out on those closest to me.

And what about my social life? I don't know yet exactly how bad the pain is, or how bad it's gonna get. Maybe I'll be able to lead a normal life, without too much changes. But it's already starting to change.
- I can't stay up late anymore. 3 hours of walking around town yesterday put me to sleep. I used to be able to do it all day and then go party all night. Now I go to sleep "with the chickens", like my French father would say.
- I can't ride a bicycle anymore. I mean, I will try, but I already know the answer. It means no spinning at the gym (and I was really counting on it to lose my few extra pounds!), and no cycling when I visit my host family in North-Germany where bikes are the main mode of transportation :(
- No more tight jeans (thank G-d I love dresses and skirts)

I put up with those changes, they are not big, except for the falling-asleep-early thing (oh, and the constant pain).
But I am afraid that more is gonna come, that V is gonna affect my life in a bigger way. Nobody can know how it's gonna evolve. Even the doctors know rather little about it. And since it's different from woman to woman anyway... Well, here's for my always wanting to be unique: mission accomplished!


These are my deepest fears. And they were not easy to express.
I know I have to be positive, to not let panic in. But I believe the best way to resist to panic is to aknowledge and talk about those fears, so that they can't take me over.

And that's the reason for this rather dark post.